I can't win.

6yr ⋅ ⋅

ADVERTISEMENT

Mistake

7yr ⋅

⋅

Midwest Problems

7yr ⋅

⋅

This is it.

7yr ⋅

⋅

I guess it doubles my options for Valentines.

8yr ⋅

⋅

Just don't think about them.

9yr ⋅

⋅

I just want grandchildren.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Idiot

8yr ⋅

⋅

I wish I was joking.

8yr ⋅

⋅

Believe me, I know.

8yr ⋅

⋅

A more fun game.

9yr ⋅

⋅

1. Gives into peer pressure too easily.

9yr ⋅

⋅

None of them will see this because they don't have internet.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Death and Taxes

8yr ⋅

⋅

Catholic School

10yr ⋅

⋅

Creating a paradox.

8yr ⋅

⋅

My online dating profile picture.

9yr ⋅

⋅

The facts are not usually that fun.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Or three of them.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Come at me.

9yr ⋅

⋅

So if someone wants to fill me in that would be great.

10yr ⋅

⋅

Or driving long distance.

8yr ⋅

⋅

ADVERTISEMENT

Until they start forcing people to.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Pushing Dasies

9yr ⋅

⋅

I expect a trophy for this.

10yr ⋅

⋅

I should find new friends.

9yr ⋅

⋅

A habit I continue to this very day.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Reworked.

9yr ⋅

⋅

And definitely care if they ever get back.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Or lotion salesman.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Or steal someone else's.

9yr ⋅

⋅

I mean, just because I haven't heard of it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

10yr ⋅

⋅

You can use this for your annoying friends on Facebook!

10yr ⋅

⋅

Seriously though.

8yr ⋅

⋅

Maybe this will get me pity!

10yr ⋅

⋅

It's still true though.

9yr ⋅

⋅

If I had a dollar...

10yr ⋅

⋅

ADVERTISEMENT

Getting Over Your Fears

8yr ⋅

⋅

I need validation somehow.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Or ask what's for dinner.

10yr ⋅

⋅

Oh... it's the same ones.

9yr ⋅

⋅

I'm confident.

8yr ⋅

⋅

I can say that because of the first.

9yr ⋅

⋅

But if I guess ten trillion times I will get it anyway!

10yr ⋅

⋅

Praying for him just because.

9yr ⋅

⋅

In a movie about trying to change your body too.

9yr ⋅

⋅

There's an easy line about Juicy Fruit there somewhere.

10yr ⋅

⋅

A fun trick to use at parties!

10yr ⋅

⋅

They'll burn either way.

8yr ⋅

⋅

I got nothin' in my brain.

9yr ⋅

⋅

I might be a bad friend.

10yr ⋅

⋅

And then I'd get into a fight about how no one understands me.

10yr ⋅

⋅

ADVERTISEMENT

Emotions make me feel neutral.

9yr ⋅

⋅

The Golden Rule

8yr ⋅

⋅

They're not really at arms length.

9yr ⋅

⋅

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times!

10yr ⋅

⋅

It's not very effective in any case.

9yr ⋅

⋅

I'm a manager. Have you seen Horrible Bosses?

10yr ⋅

⋅

Also your funding is cut.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Someone should write a song with that name.

10yr ⋅

⋅

Asking the tough questions.

10yr ⋅

⋅

The darkest joke.

10yr ⋅

⋅

Maybe It's an Irish Thing

8yr ⋅

⋅

Bringing out my inner feminist.

10yr ⋅

⋅

Acapella Magic

8yr ⋅

⋅

Or morgues and obituaries.

9yr ⋅

⋅

ADVERTISEMENT

This could describe a lot of people here...

10yr ⋅

⋅

I am both.

9yr ⋅

⋅

The more you know.

8yr ⋅

⋅

Or commit some so they get paid more.

10yr ⋅

⋅

I took a trip to New York and decided to spread my own brand of anarchy.

12yr ⋅

⋅

But you would tell me if I was, right?

8yr ⋅

⋅

But what is self?

10yr ⋅

⋅

Statistics

8yr ⋅

⋅

I'm off to tell this to everyone I know.

8yr ⋅

⋅

I'm going to run a 5K to Finland.

8yr ⋅

⋅

I'd hate to see what your gun in airport strategy is.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Just Go Back to the Blink Band.

8yr ⋅

⋅

I should have been a robot major.

8yr ⋅

⋅

Then later I made a political party.

8yr ⋅

⋅

Boo!

10yr ⋅

⋅

I'm just asking rhetorical questions here.

9yr ⋅

⋅

ADVERTISEMENT

Or Call of Duty.

9yr ⋅

⋅

I am confident in how large that number is.

9yr ⋅

⋅

A new twist on an old classic!

10yr ⋅

⋅

$3 has never felt so good.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Being positive sounds like a threat.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Uh... please?

9yr ⋅

⋅

Well sure I'll work overtime!

10yr ⋅

⋅

I should have gotten the job.

8yr ⋅

⋅

Cutting myself on the edge.

9yr ⋅

⋅

And fight.

9yr ⋅

⋅

And you never give up!

9yr ⋅

⋅

I'm well aware it won't work.

10yr ⋅

⋅

ADVERTISEMENT

And fines are doubled.

9yr ⋅

⋅

I hope a blog post arises from this.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Cold

6yr ⋅

⋅

Let's see the Big Bang Theory be this honest!

11yr ⋅

⋅

So are you sure you're not free tonight?

9yr ⋅

⋅

Do you not not not want me to hurt you?

10yr ⋅

⋅

I'm not lion!

9yr ⋅

⋅

Texting and Driving

8yr ⋅

⋅

He's more afraid of you than you are of him!

10yr ⋅

⋅

I watch the news as a how to now.

9yr ⋅

⋅

I go bankrupt in Monopoly too.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Or run for office!

10yr ⋅

⋅

Or crying children.

9yr ⋅

⋅

ADVERTISEMENT

Someone told me to post this here.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Please, go into more details!

9yr ⋅

⋅

Live the Dream

8yr ⋅

⋅

Or casually mention the position is filled already.

10yr ⋅

⋅

517-337-1717

7yr ⋅

⋅

And then double check.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Or she dies.

10yr ⋅

⋅

Blind person area.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Comedy Lessons

10yr ⋅

⋅

This is why I hate Staples.

10yr ⋅

⋅

Do comedians make jokes about Facebook?

10yr ⋅

⋅

...anything?

9yr ⋅

⋅

He shall rise again!

10yr ⋅

⋅

I'll stick to cider and water, thank you very much.

9yr ⋅

⋅

No Diet Change, Just Elimination

8yr ⋅

⋅

I would like to officially start the Christmas season with this joke.

10yr ⋅

⋅

Brand Loyalty

7yr ⋅

⋅

ADVERTISEMENT

Numbers Don't Lie

8yr ⋅

⋅

But at least celebrities are saying it right?

10yr ⋅

⋅

Except the parades.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Enemies

8yr ⋅

⋅

It's strange.

8yr ⋅

⋅

They have low hanging fruit there.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Oh, I hated that in high school.

10yr ⋅

⋅

An impression.

8yr ⋅

⋅

Pronouns

8yr ⋅

⋅

And they don't even charge $200/hour yet.

9yr ⋅

⋅

I posted a joke to /r/standupshots and got told in a comment show it to you guys.

10yr ⋅

⋅

This is how you lose jobs.

10yr ⋅

⋅

You Also Stole My Heart.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Homophobia

9yr ⋅

⋅

Corporations are paying me to say this.

10yr ⋅

⋅

That's why I joined the airport.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Of course, she probably could just get a better job anyway.

10yr ⋅

⋅

It's a good point. Relatively speaking.

9yr ⋅

⋅

ADVERTISEMENT

Now that you know it isn't impressive, you know I know it isn't impressive!

9yr ⋅

⋅

Alex had a terrible game of golf.

7yr ⋅

⋅

Even though they should.

10yr ⋅

⋅

And then do some cocaine.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Reverse evolution.

9yr ⋅

⋅

I'll keep patting myself on the back anyway.

9yr ⋅

⋅

I'm married to this joke.

9yr ⋅

⋅

Unless you bring food.

9yr ⋅

⋅