Am I....a....vampire?

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Something wrong, I can feel it

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January 27

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Idk man

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To detect alien communications

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No explanation needed

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To summarize Paw Patrol

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To suggest a new idea

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Fatherhood in a nutshell

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To market her oils

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To draw a horse

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Ah yes, that image

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To be more Chinesey

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To identify a threat

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To explain who Barack Obama is

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When paragliding gone wrong

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To provide front, side, and rear photos for the car insurance rep

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Guess I'm staying home today

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To be neighborly

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To construct a tough and resilient airplane

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Never lie to the police

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To use less sugar

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To correct the student's answer

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To enforce social distancing

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To misrepresent a sofa

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Honesty is the best policey

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They are both spot on

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To be polite

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Wait, that's illegal

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To get the shirt hanged

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To beat up the baby father

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To show off

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At positive social media engagement by a branch of the military

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Paintings and their Real-Life Equivalents

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To burgle

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Mission Possible

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To self-righteously criticize Channel 2's choice of photo

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To see a teachable moment

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Some angel

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Nailed it

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Possibly my proudest moment as a dad

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Cant sleep

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To get her portrait drawn for free

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This ACTUALLY happened. Had to pinch myself.

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It's a damn shame, I'll tell ya

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He gave her the wings

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To be a hiker

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Legit tho

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To operate a pizza correctly

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To clear Joe Biden of sexual misconduct allegations

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Wait up

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Speaking truth to power

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To freshen the air

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Honesty is a virtue

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Nice try Amazon

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Money is money

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It never gets old for me

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To shrink a penny

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The poster for the movie Legend (2015) mocked one of its negative reviews by hiding the two star review between the Kray twins heads.

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To choose a female CEO

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Well yes, I suppose you could put it that way

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She's right about that

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FDA: You are not a cow

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The little joys of being in your 40's

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To journalism

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To justify being anti-vaxx

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No credit, no problem

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Beyond accurate

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To fool the police

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AskReddit question

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No

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This little shark’s defence mechanism

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To be post-gender

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To be creative

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To leave the gym

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Dunkin' Donuts Has No Donuts

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Laser removal

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To combat meth addiction

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I'm calling it

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To comprehend his kid's intentions

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To enter like a boss

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Don't use dating sites

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Hell they ALL right

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To explain the baby's race

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For the tennis folks out there

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To please his mother

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Daniel speaks the truth

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That's the whole point

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To recognize his own girlfriend

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I smell a divorce

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To not be pro-choice

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This is one of my favorite scenes from How It's Made

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To bash Islam

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To be his Jessica

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To help

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Holy Sputnik

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Well played, Google assistant

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By a legislator to have a basic understanding of how the US government works

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Clever thinking

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I'm not even mad....that's amazing

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Eminently relatable

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To be coherent

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To be a blood and kidney donor

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When I open up a can of sardines and it is packed to the gills

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To control the temperature

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Look at the last rail...

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Batman

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That'll definitely do

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To pray

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How to stay stress free when you’re older

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To add

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To teach

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To be good Christians

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RIP Timothy

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Working on my taxes now

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Say what again

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To intimidate a praying mantis

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To understand maturity

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The joys of working from home

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To adequately instruct the wife

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And that's without the milk

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The situation has gotten out of control

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Good times

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To use fewer sugar

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To be a proud mother

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To personalize the party

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To cheer up his wife

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Good game

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He's got my vote now

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To call it something better

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[Off-Site] 1 Child = 512 Ounces

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To communicate a message

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*nervous laughter*

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To imprison a weightlifter

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So close, yet so far

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To be consistent

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To get high

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Well done, Wendy's

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He followed the rule

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To utilize an AI-powered robot for bomb disposal

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