Are you tired of being sedentary in your current location? For just a quarter of your annual income you can be sedentary in an equatorial location instead, for a duration which depends on the number of vacation days you have so far accumulated. The drinks have small paper umbrellas in them as well.

6yr ⋅ ⋅

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Hello consumers! It's me, narrator. Do you struggle to contain liquids pending use? Introducing the vessel for gravitational confinement of fluids. When upright, can store substances including but not limited to water, diet cola, human urine, dog urine, bear urine, hydrogen peroxide, eagle urine

9yr ⋅

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More Meatrobotish foods you could probably eat if you were hungry

7yr ⋅

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A new digestible configuration of atoms is now available for purchase. Containing not only the crushed bodies of cows but also an unprecedented amount of their fermented secretions, open up your face and stick one of these into it TODAY. Chairs are provided for supporting your body while you do so.

9yr ⋅

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It's possible everyday to purchase rolls of thin metal. Reasons you might do this include the desire to wrap a sheet of thin metal around some object, enveloping it in thin metal & obscuring it from view. Or simply to own a roll of thin metal, easily accomplished by purchasing a roll of thin metal.

9yr ⋅

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Draw a picture of Winter Man!

10yr ⋅

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Cleansing goo now available for rubbing into your moistened scalp. Choose one of two available scents based on which you'd rather your hair smell like. Once your hair is fully saturated, rinse the goo using falling water and exit the body washing chamber. Your hygiene is now acceptable.

6yr ⋅

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Children, the world's second most popular form of biomass, have nonetheless in recent years come under fire for alleged shortcomings. What other mammal is helpless for so long? said a guy we found outside. Deer have their shit together right out of the womb. Something has to be done.

9yr ⋅

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Draw the Winter Man to commemorate the coming of winter, the season for which he is named.

9yr ⋅

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Sunny weather today will carry over into tomorrow with a high of 68, perfect weather for sitting quietly outdoors and thinking about determinism. Next week incoming cool air from the sea is expected to bring rain on Tuesday, perfect weather for sitting quietly indoors and thinking about determinism.

9yr ⋅

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As you can see, ball hitter man is brandishing the wooden stick to signal his readiness. And the ball is thrown! Although his swings did not intersect with the ball during the prior two attempts, this time he has succeeded and is now hurriedly visiting every part of the field indicated by the rules.

9yr ⋅

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All are invited/required to celebrate the completion of another 8,760 minute period. Novelty eyewear shaped like the coming year provided upon arrival. Group enjoyment events to include recreational body movement synchronized with songs such as 8,760 Minutes Closer to Death and Celebratory Song #3.

10yr ⋅

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Annual costumed begging holiday has nearly arrived. Select one of the following approved novelty outfits to misrepresent yourself as: 1. Promiscuous witch 2. Promiscuous nurse 3. Promiscuous devil 4. Promiscuous Garfield 5. Promiscuous pinecone 6. Promiscuous printer cartridge 7. Costumed human

10yr ⋅

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/r/Meatrobotize your favorite movie quote! Example: I'm here to chew bubblegum and administer beatings. I recently ran out of bubblegum, so now I'll shoot everyone in this room.

10yr ⋅

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ViolenceBall topples Baby vs. Rhino as nation's favored sport. The recent play where ball throwing man #12 threw the sport ball 97 meters to ball carrying man #8 who then transported it to the goal to win the super cup greatly excited me, said a fan.

10yr ⋅

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Life imitates /r/meatrobots: Gallery edition

9yr ⋅

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Are you a meat enthusiast? Come to Food Place and try our Unreasonable portions of meat stacked with additional meat both above and below it burger. There's never been a better time to spend $11.98 on a pile of alternating layers of muscle tissue from every animal commonly found on a farm.

10yr ⋅

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You're instructed to purchase and play with Action Dolls, and to view their corresponding television program. Once you have the dolls, meet with other children who also have them, and politely negotiate which scenes from the show to reenact. MERCILESSLY OSTRACIZE THOSE WHO DO NOT COLLECT EVERY DOLL.

10yr ⋅

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Hello camera, I'm paid actor. Has this improbable, transparently contrived accident ever happened to you? Avoid reoccurrence by purchasing vacuum molded plastic object designed to address extremely narrow, possibly nonexistent need invented to sell it. Order now and receive two for the price of two.

10yr ⋅

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Life continues to imitate /r/meatrobots without paying me royalties.

10yr ⋅

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May 30th to be set aside for veneration of Francis Straub, world renown inventor of the cinderblock. Mr. Straub consisted of approx 37 trillion cells, generally approved of wildlife, and was regarded as highly sufficient by friends and family who also consisted of roughly 37 trillion cells apiece

9yr ⋅

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Main guy in charge of everybody issues televised reminder that we're still obligated to pay him a quarter of our annual income. Funds will be used for the continuation of various wars around the world, still the most lucrative employment opportunity for professional murderologists. Report concluded.

6yr ⋅

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If you have a body like mine, it requires frequent washing. Accomplish that with any number of body washing chambers. Once inside you can use falling water to scrub accumulated dirt and oil from your outer layer of skin. Then use your temporarily clean body to do things like sitting on furniture.

10yr ⋅

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National cup stacking championships concluded today with a single child receiving the metal congratulatory object and emotionally affirming praise from parents and media. All other children in attendance were judged inadequately efficient at rapid cup placement and were humanely destroyed.

10yr ⋅

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Water molecules (normally collected by gravity into oceans, lakes and ponds as well as distributed throughout the atmosphere in vapor form) have for the first time been concentrated indoors and treated for purity and temperature, so you can immerse your body in them for both exercise and pleasure.

9yr ⋅

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Fictitious animals with remarkable properties 7 was released today, and sold out within minutes. Waste your youth memorizing the properties of (then imprisoning) creatures such as Unusual bird, Different unusual bird and Astonishing frog. Catch them all or be fined for inefficient recreation

10yr ⋅

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Construction recently completed on a public facility where anyone interested in temperature reduction can come to get wet, but then be dry again afterwards. It was satisfying to pour all that concrete said the project lead. So much grey, uniform concrete. Oh, I guess there will be water too.

8yr ⋅

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New internet web site created where recreational animal owners can exchange descriptions of their animal's behavior. My recreational animal sometimes sits and observes events through the window. Other times it eats food, or defecates wrote one recreational animal owner on the web site in question.

6yr ⋅

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This monday, education centers nationwide will begin to employ a new curriculum focused on preparing pupils for careers in the service industry OR the military. I hope this helps kids realize they can become either of the things they dream of, said a plain, dumpy looking child programmer.

10yr ⋅

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AI which composes music demonstrated to members of the press. All present agreed it is unquestionably the future of music, except for one journalist who suggested music is improved by the human touch. A legal duration and volume of laughter resulted, then that person was removed for composting.

9yr ⋅

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Main guy in charge of everybody's homelessness alleviation program continues in earnest. Over 1,000 former taxpayers are now being removed from the streets per day, their rent, food, utilities and other expenses reduced to zero as they are relocated to the fashionable new Mountain Of Bones district

6yr ⋅

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Rapid dispensary of foodlike product now offers 'shut up I'm driving meals' for child placation purposes. Each comes in an adequate cardboard enclosure containing foodlike product, plastic novelty object which will be thrown away soon and a healthy side of fruit which will be thrown away immediately

10yr ⋅

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Christmas edition of 'Life imitates /r/MeatRobots

10yr ⋅

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Don't miss the latest installment of Lasagna Cat in this Sunday's paper. It chronicles the ongoing efforts of the titular character to surreptitiously consume a dish NOT ordinarily intended for cats! He also dislikes Mondays, and his owner suffers from depression with frequent suicidal ideation.

10yr ⋅

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This edition of Life Imitates /r/MeatRobots is brought to you by TCPIP and the English language.

10yr ⋅

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5th launch of a chimp into space concluded successfully this weekend. We've learned not to include a radio, all you get is nonstop shrieking said mission director Guy McPerson. That's five so far, but the wild chimp population is in the millions. There has to be a faster method of disposal.

10yr ⋅

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On day two of this week, a man traversing the distance between his home and a nearby small business suffered minor injuries after slipping on a curved yellow fruit casing. All present agreed it was a humorous occurrence. The fruit casing has been sentenced to death.

10yr ⋅

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Annual recreational rocketry day has arrived once again. Legally detonate a wide variety of frivolous explosives in the airspace over your home. Has your dog run away? Take advantage of a new subsidized program that will compensate you for any lost pets with a granite cube of equivalent mass.

9yr ⋅

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Damaged former murderologist rendered functional by advanced prosthetics to receive special honor at sporting event. In the course of exploding hundreds of foreigners, he himself was exploded by one of them. For this heroic act, we've invited him to sing our national anthem, America Is A Country.

10yr ⋅

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Jurassic Park 5: Additional Dinosaurs announced. Dinosaur enthusiasts are in for a treat: It features 21% more dinosaurs as measured by variety and screen time. Witness CGI dinosaurs engaging in speculative interactions with humans! Results include death, serious injury, and forbidden romance.

10yr ⋅

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Classic example of life imitating /r/meatrobots.

10yr ⋅

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Inexplicably popular televised fiction, Persons whose metabolic functions ceased but nonetheless arose & continued to locomote enters 5th season. Ratings indicate viewers haven't yet realized it was originally a soap opera we added zombies to said the show's producer from the deck of his yacht.

10yr ⋅

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Joke

10yr ⋅

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Artist unveils latest public sculpture, concrete cube, offers hints at its meaning: It is said that all good works of art represent something not seen, he mused. In this case, a much larger concrete cube that was not practical to build for financial reasons.

10yr ⋅

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My Small Horse convention reoccurs. Many disguise themselves as colorful neotenized cartoon animals. Because it is so complex, the human brain has a near-infinite number of possible failure states. What you're seeing is one of them explained some guy, from within his hollow horse shaped enclosure.

10yr ⋅

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All are invited to attend frivolously large automobile event wherein large motor vehicles with oversized tires will drive over and thereby destroy smaller motor vehicles. Foam fingers will be available for purchase. Be present. Be present. Be present.

10yr ⋅

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Life imitates /r/MeatRobots part 2

10yr ⋅

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Largely hairless primate uses networked computer to submit attempt at sterile humor to widely used imageboard, consisting of a string of characters conveying one small punchline near the beginning or middle then a larger one at the end accompanied by a vaguely related jpeg from Google Image Search.

10yr ⋅

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Cold temperatures have occurred in hemisphere A. Insulate yourself from such adverse conditions with a body covering designed for that purpose. Choose from the following attractive and dynamic styles: 1. grey 2. beige 3. light grey

9yr ⋅

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Main guy in charge of everyone urges weightloss in recent televised speech. Center for Disposal of Useless Persons reports record disposal chute blockages due to increased average BMI. If yours exceeds 30, please reduce it prior to your own disposal event. Remember, billions must use it after you.

10yr ⋅

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Construction continues on city name's 337th overpass (a concrete/asphalt object designed so cars can easily move around on it). The mayor who implemented this jobs program died soon after, and political blockages have prevented shutting it down said a guy. It'll all be overpasses soon enough.

9yr ⋅

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Activists gathered today to protest factory farming on the grounds that it could still be more efficient. We've not even begun to tap genetic engineering, for example said one of the sign bearing angermen. Drones could soon harvest meat from a brainless mass of flesh spanning hundreds of acres.

9yr ⋅

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Person paid to complain about films reviews Man who died but continued to exist as a transparent intangible being in violation of materialism. 3/10: I experienced involuntary waste release twice during the film, though I reject the premise due to the problem of interaction. Popcorn was adequate.

10yr ⋅

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Box full of smaller boxes: The perfect gift for the person in your life who has everything except for a box full of smaller boxes.

10yr ⋅

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Fans of Fictional Space Fantasy convened this weekend to purchase pointed rubber ears in celebration of the show's 50th anniversary. It represents our shared dream: That someday humanity will unite, seek out intelligent alien civilizations, and ensure that they adhere to the metric system.

10yr ⋅

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Center for recreational BMI reduction introduces various heavy objects for patrons to lift, then set down, then lift again in a process believed to substantially improve the odds of fornication for financially insecure males.

10yr ⋅

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Controversial new book, Women are valid, offers a guide for males on how to hurt the females in their lives less by being aware of some of the unfortunate ways testosterone sometimes influences their behavior. So far it has been met primarily with howls of indignant rage & directionless thrusting.

10yr ⋅

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A photographic depiction of my traditional, rustic Summer retreat

9yr ⋅

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If your dwelling doesn't have a transparent barrier, you should purchase a transparent barrier for your dwelling. Unique molecular properties allow passage of light such that events transpiring on the other side of the barrier are visible through it. Events like animal behavior, weather, or voting.

10yr ⋅

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Bureau of Human Reproduction reveals top three baby names for August: Larval unit, Feces factory and Stupid little naked person.

10yr ⋅

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Crisis grips suburb as a covert pocket of dissenters against the metric system is discovered in their midst. Times like this are when it's most important to pull together says one volunteer as he hands out guns and shovels. Group A shoots, Group B buries. Quickly now! Try to develop a rhythm.

10yr ⋅

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Regional pet authority issues reminder that pets are essentially hairy naked little retards that it is legal to own. Purpose of reminder unspecified.

10yr ⋅

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Don't be That guy at this year's theme party, quietly noting that because of the fragility of the human body and your superior upper body strength you could easily kill everyone present without being meaningfully obstructed! We all know what that's l11111ke! Bring one of our useless animal shaped

10yr ⋅

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Archaeologists studying a newly discovered pyramid retrieve 3 stone tablets bearing the secrets of the universe. Tablet 1 consists of 14 words averaging six characters each. Tablet 2 consists of 22 words averaging four characters each. Tablet 3 consists of 9 words, averaging six characters each.

10yr ⋅

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In tonight's Grapple-Fest, Antagonist will endeavor to immobilize Dangerous Animal and vice versa. Antagonist warns his opponent: Animal, you believe you'll immobilize me tonight and claim the award belt. Contrary to those expectations, the inverse will occur. Snap into a processed meat stick.

10yr ⋅

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Meteorological instruments and computer murdeling indicate continued trend of hot murder throughout the month, with corresponding murdermurder and weather patterns continuing to follow the predictemurdermurdermurdermurdermurdermurdermurder

10yr ⋅

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Soylent is a digestible fluid comprised of all of the chemical elements your body needs to build more of itself in precisely the required ratio. This is because Soylent is essentially liquefied human. Ingest some today and feel it become a part of your body and brain.

10yr ⋅

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My Minecraft PE build: Self sufficient undersea base

10yr ⋅

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The Steven Experience opened to the public today. Various spinning rides convey Steven's uncompromising judgement in a way the whole family must endure. An animatronic bust of Groblax, invisible trickster who fabricates evidence contrary to Stevenism, had this to say: Nyeh! Boogityboogityboogity

10yr ⋅

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Sexual intimacy negotiation website Copulation or not? launches, offering persons from both walks of life the chance to meet others judged congruent based on carefully formulated criteria, pursuant to a variety of possible physical acts contingent entirely upon what both parties find agreeable

10yr ⋅

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Association for Mental Health rolls out new ad campaign, with billboards, bus placards and mandatory forehead tattoos asking, Can You Imagine? followed by the association's toll free number. Those who call the number to answer in the affirmative will be apprehended and receive free treatment.

10yr ⋅

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