We learned a lot from Charlotte that summer about what it meant to be a man, and we carried that with us the rest of our lives.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
I don't vote. It's just so confusing. I go into the booth, pull the curtain, and count to ten. Then I come out, yell 'DEMOCRACY!', and run to my car.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
What does burning flesh smell like? This reporter need no longer wonder after arriving at a multi-car pileup on the 395. Body after charred body was pulled from the wreckage of the gruesome collision. And I stepped on a eye.8mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
A $50,000 reward to anyone who can stop the marriage. The girl has been described as a likely women's studies major and probable roller derby captain, while the male is your classic run-of-the-mill stoner. Here's an artist rendering of the couple.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
We were kids, man! Buckle couldn't find his legs! We were gonna go cruising when we got home! We were gonna go cruising in his Solara, man!1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Wait, why is this wrong? Next to Miranda rights, I put, Miranda has the right to a decent man who will help her raise her baby. Are these questions not about 'Sex and the City'? LUCAS, WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT KIND OF SODA YOU LIKE?!10mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
I'm Christopher, and this is my adopted daughter, Opal Louise. We are having quite a day. My Prius's nickel battery is acting up, my iPhone's as dead as Farrah Fawcett, and my life partner Michael is at a Grey Goose event in Reykjavik. Can I use your phone?9mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
You don't deserve to be on that cross, you lazy, wine-loving bisexual!1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Where am I? A hotel room! You're getting a lot better at drinking, Francine.11mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
The name's Bob Todd. Bob Todd Williams. Robert Todford Williams. Bobby Todd, if you like. Todd Willy's fine too. Robert Todd and Bob Todford's all the same. If you holler 'Mr. Williams', I won't know what to do with it!1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
When I told you I was driving a bus in Baltimore, it was so you'd be impressed, not so you'd visit me unannounced.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
You don't deserve to be on that cross, you lazy, wine-loving bisexual!2yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
You just wanted your own personal Mini-Me, like the Halloween you went as Mini-Me and I went as Mini Mini-Me. But I didn't wanna be Mini-Me. I wanted to be Minnie Mouse, or at least Mini Minnie Mouse. But that's what Dad and Steve got to go as.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Pure Peruvian marching powder, grown on the Andes, north slope. I'd say it's about 80% baby laxative. Yep, this junk means only one thing. Esteban Mortia is back in business.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Brenda's got you. You're her whole world right now. Brenda's my dead cousin. She's watching over both of us.2yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
My profile has four pictures of me staring out of a restaurant window through binoculars. You knew what this was.7mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Thank you so much. Shut up. You know, Celine Dion is in the audience tonight. She's fabulous, but I'm better. Here we go.2mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Brenda's got you. You're her whole world right now. Brenda's my dead cousin. She's watching over both of us.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Oh, women. Let me tell you what I know about women, Steve. If you buy a women's shoe in your size, it will not fit you.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
On this day, 17 years ago, a little show called 'American Dad!' premiered on FOX. The rest, as they say, is history...2yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
A meter maid. How embarrassing. At least we'll get through this together. Right, Francine?7mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Mrs. Smith, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to be direct.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
You look like the most handsome man in the world, Bollywood star Akshay Kumar. Oh, did you expect me to say Ryan Gosling? I said the world, Steve. Get out of your Euro-centric bubble. Anyway, you look good.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
And what Steve won't know is that I have my own plan. While everyone's focused on Snot, I'll be heading to the bathroom to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry handy-j.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Hi, I'm Christopher, and this is my adopted daughter, Opal Louise. We are having quite a day. My Prius's nickel battery is acting up, my iPhone's as dead as Farrah Fawcett, and my life partner Michael is at a Grey Goose event in Reykjavik. Can I use your phone?2yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
That feeling when you realize a brand new season finally starts tonight...2yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Hayley, this isn't how I wanted you to find out, but your daddy's a brilliant painter.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Thank you so much. Shut up. You know, Celine Dion is in the audience tonight. She's fabulous, but I'm better. Here we go.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
That time the show did a squirrel parody of 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape' just for the hell of it...1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
I don't vote. It's just so confusing. I go into the booth, pull the curtain, and count to ten. Then I come out, yell 'DEMOCRACY!', and run to my car.3yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
We were kids, man! Buckle couldn't find his legs! We were gonna go cruisin' when we got home! We were gonna go cruisin' in his Solara, man!4mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
I've got a freezer full of shu mai from Trader Joe's. And for dessert, a huge-ass box of Chocodiles. I hid 'em in the fridge for when the cholos come back. And they will be back. I gave the biggest one a key.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Stan, we just finally got Steve off the heroin from the last birthday present you gave him.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Stan, you're pointing a gun at God's head. I mean, I can't even think of a metaphor that's better than this.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
And Francine made good on her promise, dropping down a tasteful photograph of her bodacious cans each and every week for the rest of her life, never knowing that Henry had died instantly after leaping head first into that dry well.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Well, I'm gonna go beg for money on the beach since I'm dressed for it.11mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Shannon Sharpe, sharpening a machete. Gonna catch an alien and eat some spaghetti.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Great. My first gig as Christmas Past and I tank it. Couldn't be happy with just being the Tooth Fairy. No, no, it's too steady. Live risky, reach for the stars. Well, that's not stardust on your hands, Michelle. It's failure, and it don't wash off! Should've just married Chad.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Oh, Avery. You're as tight as the fabric on a reupholstered davenport.4mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Steve, I just did a big Trader Joe's run. Pour yourself some unsweetened cherry juice. Maybe have it with some sunflower paste on a flax crisp. There's also a scallop shumai that tastes like nothing and a mushroom flatbread pizza that smells like nutsack.2yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
This year, FOX has genetically engineered an actual living turducken. Those are its screams. Its every step is agony.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
This house is beautiful. Reminds me of my sorority. We were known as the pretty house. Then, crystal meth got its hooks into us. Fortunately, I was just selling it. The girls all got hepatitis, I bought a Jaguar. It's in Canada right now. That's why I rode my bike over here.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Jeff, quick question: Why do you only shave your left goose egg? I'm doing it now too, and I want to know the reason why.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Anyone else kinda wish the Memaris had been more prominent characters on the show? Linda especially had so much potential.5mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
I'm too old for this. I don't wanna be around all these babies playing Pokemon... badly. This kid right here is just wasting his Charizard. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR CHARIZARD!9mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
I'm ready to pretend I'm going to school... if anyone wants to pretend to see my bus outside.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
The name's Bob Todd. Bob Todd Williams. Robert Todford Williams. Bobby Todd, if you like. Todd Willy's fine too. Robert Todd and Bob Todford's all the same. If you holler 'Mr. Williams', I won't know what to do with it!2yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Now, get over here and help me finish this. Don't Portuguese out on me. I'm starting a new ethnic slur. Did it take?8mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Hayley? Honey? The ice cream truck just came by. I got you one of those fucked-up Sonic the Hedgehogs.2yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Steven Smith, I am your mother! If you don't get out of that cage, I will push you back up my clown hole and birth you again, and name you My Bitch! Now, get out of that cage!1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Backs straight, girls. And remember, those books are for posture only. A literate girl is a lonely girl.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Happy Tuttle Appreciation Day, Dadders! That's right. Tuttle has his own holiday now. Deal with it.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
And to reiterate, earlier, I referred to that prank caller as a maggot. That's 'maggot' with an M.7mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Yo, Deutschland, ring those jammy-jams up, 'cause we like 'em baggy and saggy.2yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
I've been experimenting with steroids. It's awesome! Now, I wear tank tops with the thinnest straps you've ever seen.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Thank you so much. Shut up. Celine Dion is in the audience tonight. She's fabulous, but I'm better. Here we go.2yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
I'm Krispy Kreme McDonald's. My Krispy Kreme mama got raped by my McDonald's daddy.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
This is Michael Patrick King's first draft of the 'Sex and the City' movie. It's 700 pages.4mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Are we stupid, Steve? No, honestly, are we? I mean, I have a master's in city planning from Howard University. I could tell you where your convention center should go, but I can't tell you when a fish is giving me the business.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Come on, Professor. Tell the kids about all the ECONOMICS conventions you attend, discussing ECONOMICS with the ECONOMICS people.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
When you realize the new season of American Dad! finally begins today...3yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Wait, why is this wrong? Next to Miranda rights, I put, Miranda has the right to a decent man who will help her raise her baby. Are these questions not about 'Sex and the City'? LUCAS, WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT KIND OF SODA YOU LIKE?!2yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
You look like the most handsome man in the world, Bollywood star Akshay Kumar. Oh, did you expect me to say Ryan Gosling? I said the world, Steve. Get out of your Euro-centric bubble. Anyway, you look good.11mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
Happy 2024, Dadders! Which Smith family member are you celebrating like tonight?3mo ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
It's the female entertainment I don't trust. Men throw a little cash at 'em, they'll do anything. Then sometimes, when you're on the floor with another girl, guys will throw money, then pick it up and throw the same singles out there again. Like I'm an idiot! Like I don't have peripheral vision?!2yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
This show's had some wacky future timelines over the years, but I still get a kick out of the one where Stan never aged a day.1yr ⋅ KingKabuki ⋅ r/americandad
