Wait a minute -- Xena can't fly. // I told you, I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
I came out to my Dad 10 years ago... on Father's Day. This is a 'before' shot.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/gaybros
Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept Kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
So... do you like music? // Do I like music? No, no I'm the one person on Earth who doesn't like music.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/americandad
Lisa, a guy who has lots of ivory is *less* likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Church, cult, cult, church. So we get bored someplace else every Sunday. Does this really change our day to day lives?11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Bartina, until I met you I was the loneliest warden in the penal system.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Steve, when people start a sentence with 'What delivering pizzas has taught me,' that's the go-ahead to tune out.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/americandad
Ma, you won't believe it. He asked me to marry him! Yes, the orthodontist. Brandeis. Reformed. Ashkenazi. Haven't seen the car. I know, isn't it great! We did it, Ma! We finally did it!11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/americandad
Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time!11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
That was my first taste of real power, and it felt great. Then Chaz showed me how I could feel that way every day-- taking what I want when I want. Plus, I'm a sociopath, so, you know, all this fits me like a slipper.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/americandad
I just have one thing to say: let's have less Homer Simpson and more money for public schools.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Spare me your euphemisms! It's fat camp, for Daddy's chubby little secret!11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
That place is weird. A man in the bathroom kept handing me towels, until I paid him to stop. // Should have held out longer, boy.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Actually, I don't have a family. My life is all about me. Horseback riding and hang gliding and, um, having sex with some of Chicago's many Polacks.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/americandad
Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Although we can't reach the boy, we CAN freeze him with liquid nitrogen, so that future generations can rescue him.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
The moon belongs to America, and anxiously awaits the arrival of our astro-men. Will you be among them?11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
The only thing I asked you to do for this party was put on clothes, and you didn't do it.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
I shouldn't have served those North Korean fortune cookies. They were so insulting: You are a coward. No one likes to hear that after a nice meal.10yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
I want 10,000 tough guys, and I want 10,000 soft guys to make the tough guys look tougher! And here's how I want them arranged: tough, soft, tough, tough, soft, tough, soft, soft, tough, tough, soft, soft, tough, soft, tough, soft!11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Congratulations, Bart Simpson: you're our new Fallout Boy! That's what I'd be saying to you if you weren't an inch too short. Next!11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
'Baby On Board, Something something, Burt Ward...' This thing writes itself!11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Although I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janey, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle. That's why it was so hard to cut you. Congratulations, the rest of you made the team! Except you, you and you.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
It's last minute, but I can get us the Willow Room. It'll take all of my Radisson points, but what am I saving them for? A man? Ha! I'm too set in my ways. Alex Trebek, a chamomile tea and a chapter of Little Women and I'm out by 8:15.10yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/americandad
Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles] There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
We're going to watch my favorite movie about a grinchy little character who tries to steal Christmas.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Well, Seymour, I must say for once, I am impressed. In fact, I am going to give this school a perfect ten. I'll just write the zero first...now, a vertical line to indicate the one...11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
He's going to kill Rod and Todd too. That's horrible! ...in principle.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Attention American workers: your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists. // Not on MY shift!11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
That board with a nail in it may have defeated us. But the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails, and soon, they will make a board with a nail so big, it will destroy them all!11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Homer, I want you to have my lucky hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it always brings me good luck.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
'Sir?' That's the kind of respect you have to strangle out of American kids!11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Boys and girls, Mrs. Krabappel, I come before you today to solve a riddle that has plagued mankind for centuries: What has four legs and ticks?11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose-bleeds if I kept my finger out of there.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
The courts may not work any more, but as long as everybody is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
You're probably too young to remember the short-lived Itchy & Scratchy and Friends Hour. They had to come up with some friends. There's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Ku Klux Klam...11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
You've been gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours, haven't you? Haven't you! Look at me!!11yr ⋅ johnavel ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
