We’re living in the fucking Twilight Zone.

2mo ⋅ ⋅

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I hate humans.

2yr ⋅

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In-laws are visiting. I decided to make things awkward on my first turn.

2yr ⋅

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bLooDtHirSTy hIpPo mUtiLaTes wiLDeRneSS eXpLoRer

1yr ⋅

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My sister’s mother in law is a gem.

4yr ⋅

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Doing the Lord’s work.

5mo ⋅

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Some of the leopards are too sick to go out to the face buffet tonight.

4yr ⋅

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Ruh roh, Lindsey. You shouldn’t pay men for sex and then do everything you can to deny the LGBTQ community equal rights.

4yr ⋅

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Specifically not them.

2yr ⋅

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Funny how that works.

1yr ⋅

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I’m glad that someone agrees with what I’ve been thinking about for years.

2yr ⋅

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It would be a start.

1yr ⋅

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Sigh.

5yr ⋅

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I work on a military base. The military budget is $715b. I should be wiping with a clean, ironed linen for that kind of money.

2yr ⋅

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It’s almost endearing imagining it in the queen’s voice.

1yr ⋅

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Whatever it takes to get people vaccinated.

3yr ⋅

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Leopard eats his own face.

4yr ⋅

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Justice of the Peace Eulalio Diaz breaks down recounting having to identify bodies of the 19 children killed in Uvalde.

2yr ⋅

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You fucked up, Vlad.

2yr ⋅

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Couldn’t have said it better.

1yr ⋅

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A runner decided to do a Stacey Abrams 50k in San Francisco.

3yr ⋅

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10th birthday bacon wrapped filet mlem.

3yr ⋅

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Driving a semi over a bridge during severe winds.

2yr ⋅

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Well. There’s that.

3yr ⋅

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I didn’t bring lunch to work since my employer was providing pizza. Two slice limit on pizzas they cut into 16 slices.

1yr ⋅

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Gave up my spot in the garage. No regrets.

1yr ⋅

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“You’ve slept enough. Walk me.”

4yr ⋅

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They don’t care about children.

2yr ⋅

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Shibas are aloof. Shibas hate attention.

3yr ⋅

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Someone call the fire department.

2yr ⋅

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Because they only turn 12 once. Indy got to enjoy bacon wrapped filet mignon for dinner. Happy birthday, little guy!

4yr ⋅

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Not really. I’m gay.

11mo ⋅

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Just another day in America.

2yr ⋅

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Grab ‘em right in the RICO.

8mo ⋅

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Flamin’ hot garbage at my local grocery store.

3yr ⋅

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If you want to make things up to try to prove a point at least remember to switch accounts.

3yr ⋅

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We all have our struggles.

3yr ⋅

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He turned 11 today. I thought he deserved some steak for his birthday.

5yr ⋅

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He’s almost 12. It takes him about a 12 nanoseconds to come downstairs when he hears me opening string cheese.

4yr ⋅

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The trash collector keeps picking dog waste bags out of my trash can and puts them on the curb. I have called the city multiple times. There is no rule against putting them in there.

3yr ⋅

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I’m stuck inside working while these two get to relax outside in the sun.

4yr ⋅

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Heard you had some food. I like food.

5yr ⋅

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Check your spelling before you tweet.

4yr ⋅

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They’re a lifesaver during a power outage.

1yr ⋅

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Didn’t you know he is also a Vietnam era Medal of Honor recipient?

1yr ⋅

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This hasn’t been deleted yet.

1yr ⋅

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Clear your roof.

2yr ⋅

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Sure. Make your guests chop the vegetables for you.

2yr ⋅

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This is working much faster than I anticipated. Tray 5 of 16.

7mo ⋅

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He’s not.

4yr ⋅

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Elections have consequences.

2yr ⋅

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Hard agree.

2yr ⋅

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Alternate Caption: 90-year-old working through a pandemic because after 32 years of working for a company she still can’t afford to retire.

3yr ⋅

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I was looking at some photos from our recent family vacation.

5yr ⋅

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How embarrassing. “Sorry that I gained a little weight while a human being was growing inside my body for nine months. I’m ashamed of myself.”

4yr ⋅

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Ah. Yes. We should describe homelessness problem as something that needs to be “cleaned up.” I can’t remember the last time someone this out of touch ran for office. Oh. Wait.

3yr ⋅

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Two for one. Insane and racist.

4yr ⋅

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The ladies can keep him.

4yr ⋅

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Next step is refinements. Almost there.

5mo ⋅

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The bathroom sink at my workplace is 70 years old.

2yr ⋅

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How could we be so blind to the fact that 5,256,000,000 children go missing every single year?

3yr ⋅

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Apparently doe squat to pee.

11mo ⋅

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Facts.

3yr ⋅

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I mean, this is sad and all. But a fetus necklace?

3yr ⋅

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I felt bad for the child sitting in the back seat.

1yr ⋅

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I’ve been driving for 45 minutes trying to find a functional pump to put air in my tires. Stop number 7 so far. Wish me luck.

3yr ⋅

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I found it. The best ice cream in the PNW. Lopez Island Creamery Bow Hill blueberry. It tastes like summer.

3yr ⋅

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Randomly picked up a platinum when someone decided to back out of their pre-order. I’ll take it. 🤷🏼

1yr ⋅

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Growing my first beard. Trying to decide if I should continue growing out the base. Thoughts?

2yr ⋅

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Ordered a salad. Received three spoons and zero forks.

2yr ⋅

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Not even for science.

4yr ⋅

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Accent lights are great during a power outage. Let’s just hope the power comes back within three hours.

4yr ⋅

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When people don’t maintain their vehicles.

4yr ⋅

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Yes. I know we can walk around it. I just can’t figure out what this parking arrangement accomplished.

4yr ⋅

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The person that posted this is both elderly and obese. Bet she won’t be laughing if she contracts COVID.

4yr ⋅

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Check the status of your primary votes on voter.votewa.gov. Then send it to your family members if the president has brainwashed them into believing that mail in voting doesn’t work or is open to fraud.

4yr ⋅

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People that take up the entire aisle. The wife flipped me off when I asked if I could squeeze by after a minute or so of waiting.

3yr ⋅

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They realize that people in cars are generally coming from and going to places where other people are, right?

4yr ⋅

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Okay, crazy.

4yr ⋅

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What a difference six months of consistency can make.

5yr ⋅

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Mocking the elderly to own the libs.

3yr ⋅

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Insane or awesome? I can’t decide.

5yr ⋅

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Output question. I was gunning to break 900 output in an hour and made it by about four seconds. When the timer ended I was given credit for 899. Has anyone else experienced this?

5yr ⋅

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