Pride month may ruin my marriage

10mo ⋅ ⋅

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Body Shamed by American Ninja Warrior

1yr ⋅

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My wedding is today. This is my best man right now.

7yr ⋅

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I told Korea that I was merely passing by. You think they’ll believe me?

1yr ⋅

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Cs get degrees, and maybe a bit more

1yr ⋅

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I will never stop drinking cheap beer

11mo ⋅

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She told me she likes being woken up with foreplay

7yr ⋅

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Balthazar and Penelope. Name a more iconic duo. I'll wait.

6yr ⋅

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Time to get these gold medals, baby! USA!

2yr ⋅

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My buddy asked me if I wanted to get drunk, but I've been drinking already

7yr ⋅

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It's literacy week at my school. I decided to go with a minimalist look for my door decoration.

6yr ⋅

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The only royal wedding I wanna see

6yr ⋅

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Not everything is posh in England

1yr ⋅

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Gen Z has a different sense of humor

1yr ⋅

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I've been wanting to try my hand at stand-up comedy for years. I finally worked up the nerve to get on stage and do it. Got some good laughs too!

6yr ⋅

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New York is even more beautiful when you're seeing double the skylines

6yr ⋅

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Said hey to Griff and T-Spoon during warmups and BI told me “Let’s Go Man” as I passed him. Pels stacked, Nuggets fucked

1yr ⋅

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Anytime a below average QB becomes available, this is what we do in this sub

1yr ⋅

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You'll never be able to experience how good it feels to snuggle with your kids at home ...Okay

7yr ⋅

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I legit don’t know what’s worse, the off-season or the post-season

4yr ⋅

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My family dressed appropriately to watch me compete at American Ninja Warrior

9yr ⋅

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I am a bouncer and I work late. My girlfriend always tries to wake me up in the middle of my normal sleep cycle.

9yr ⋅

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Sean after seeing that he won’t have 7 of his assistant coaches against Carolina

2yr ⋅

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Incredible still shot of Jaxson’s poster against the Nuggets. NAW’s face in the background.

3yr ⋅

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When people tell me that I might need to drink some water or coffee

9yr ⋅

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Anytime Brandon Ingram goes off, Twitter and /r/nba are full of these stupid takes

2yr ⋅

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“2 Halflings is probably enough for this journey”

3yr ⋅

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Going on a 4 game win streak then losing 3 very winnable games

3yr ⋅

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I am a Bouncer. Going to clean bathrooms at 3 a.m. when I found this. Damnit all to Hell.

9yr ⋅

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Not only did Herb Jones make 2nd Team All-Rookie, but both Jose and TMIII got votes as well. Shoutout to the best rookie class in the league!

2yr ⋅

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After Week 1, The Saints are The Lords of the South

2yr ⋅

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My buddy likes to drunk tweet

9yr ⋅

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I'm 26 and my parents still try to tell me what I can't do when I visit

10yr ⋅

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I am a bouncer. We made so much money this fall that the owners rented us a cabin, and bought us 10 cases of beer, and 20 bottles of liquor. For two days.

10yr ⋅

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Just spent six weeks in Europe. This sums up my experience.

10yr ⋅

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The couple that gets shitfaced and passes out together, stays together

10yr ⋅

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Check this text my sister just sent me on our condo beach vacation when her kids woke me and my wife up every single morning

7yr ⋅

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When I, an intellectual, mispronounce a word at a soiree

6yr ⋅

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It looks like Gandalf has fallen on some hard times

8yr ⋅

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Blacked out. Woke up with this in my house. I owe someone an apology.

10yr ⋅

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There was a thunderstorm and my 110lb guard dog got scared

9yr ⋅

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I'm the bouncer. Now we wait.

9yr ⋅

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You drinking tonight?

9yr ⋅

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ESPN analysts predicted 13-3 that the Clippers would win lmaoooo. Pels stacked.

2yr ⋅

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Pelicans with an 81 overall rating in 2k23. BI underrated again

1yr ⋅

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I am a bouncer. This makes my night so much better.

9yr ⋅

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Family snuggles with 200lbs worth of dog after a long day

7yr ⋅

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M/25/6'4[257>232=25lbs](4 months) Same shirt. New belly, who dis?

6yr ⋅

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Got drunk and left my truck at the bar. Then all of the sudden, flash flood. Fuck.

9yr ⋅

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Still hammered from last night, this was my only thought in class at 8 a.m

10yr ⋅

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My giant dog, Tidus, finally found a cozy place in my new apartment

7yr ⋅

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He tried to dropkick me. He missed.

9yr ⋅

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My fiance- We have to save money. No buying dumb stuff. Me- Got it. Also me:

7yr ⋅

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We all say that the Skyrim guard has seen some shit, but so has the skate shop employee behind the counter in THPS3

7yr ⋅

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Yeah, I had a pretty good time at my sister's wedding

6yr ⋅

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Zapp's book of pickup lines is sure to work

9yr ⋅

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I took one of my adderall to study and unplanningly got drunk instead. I became Arnold at the bar.

9yr ⋅

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Got hammered on the beach. We did not know these people trying to take a family picture.

10yr ⋅

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Decided my living room needed some Middle Earth in it

7yr ⋅

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Safety first

10yr ⋅

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I wanted my classroom to have a unique portrayal of America. I bought every flag that represented each of my immigrant students. Regardless of where you're from, we are fellow Americans.

6yr ⋅

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When someone tells me I'm drinking something the wrong way

9yr ⋅

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Never leave a man behind

9yr ⋅

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Dude let this crawfish pinch your nipple. Lemme finish my beer.

9yr ⋅

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Today is my birthday. We celebrated last night. I'm still absolutely shitfaced.

11yr ⋅

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I got a call last night saying I made it on to American Ninja Warrior. I celebrated appropriately on a balcony on Bourbon Street.

10yr ⋅

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Played Edward 4 loko hands last night. Woke up to a slingshot, a golf club, a chair, a spoon, and a can opener stuck in the wall.

10yr ⋅

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I have a picture of me and a homeless guy dressed as Gandalf on my Tinder. I'm about to learn this girl how to spell.

7yr ⋅

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Woke up with this. It's 4 feet tall and around 50lbs. No idea where I got it.

9yr ⋅

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Had my bachelor party in NOLA. My friends paid this woman to pour 9 shots of fireball down my throat, spin me around, rub her titties on my face, and then slap the shit out of me. 8/10.

6yr ⋅

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M/24/6'5 [280lbs>245lbs=35lbs] I was an offensive lineman in college that decided I wanted to lose that fat and build on my muscle.

8yr ⋅

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Last night I said I'm only drinking a little tonight Woke up this morning.

10yr ⋅

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I am a bouncer. Last night I got paid to watch you delinquents cheer as these midgets beat each other up. It was awesome.

9yr ⋅

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[Homemade] Bacon and Mozzarella pizza with garlic cheese crust

6yr ⋅

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After living in rural Louisiana for a few months

9yr ⋅

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I wore a GoPro on Bourbon St. this weekend. It captured the exact moment my friend blacked out.

8yr ⋅

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This model of a cargo ship with one shipping container out of place

6yr ⋅

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Going with the Zapp Brannigan approach

6yr ⋅

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Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, Unite!

10yr ⋅

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Me and my little brother were some lady killers. 9 years old with a beer gut.

9yr ⋅

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Me and my buddy who just graduated from West Point backpacked through Europe. We found the best spot on the Berlin Wall.

9yr ⋅

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Me and my girlfriend successfully drank around the world at Epcot in Disney World yesterday. 12 drinks for 12 countries.

9yr ⋅

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Me and some friends were watching a comedian who was talking a lot of shit about America

9yr ⋅

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So H. Jon Benjamin only follows these 4 people on twitter. An odd combination.

8yr ⋅

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In town visiting family. Sister's kids are yelling and crying, mom is fussing over the kids spilling a drink, brother-in-law's face is sunken in from no sleep and financial problems. My wife and I:

6yr ⋅

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Wait, stop! You done? Nah man, I finished with my beer. Throw me another one. Drunk tubing is the best tubing.

10yr ⋅

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Revival

7yr ⋅

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How I made my tips last night

11yr ⋅

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The most Scottish picture I will ever take. A kilted man playing bagpipes during a rainy day in the Highlands

7yr ⋅

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Tidus is so big that he's scared of stepping on puppies so he hides behind stuff

7yr ⋅

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This was exactly as fun as it looks

9yr ⋅

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Wanna go drink on a sandbar on the river Does the Pope shit in the woods? Let's go. It was a good time.

10yr ⋅

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[FREE] My grandaddy passed away at 95 years old today. This is him on his wedding day in 1949. Just wanted something to give my dad.

6yr ⋅

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Sometimes you just gotta play Edward 4 loko hands on a Tuesday

10yr ⋅

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My friend told me I look like Fat Mac. I promptly told him that it was all mass.

8yr ⋅

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Dude, I bet I can light your armpit hair on fire.

11yr ⋅

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My response when I'm asked How are you drunk already?

6yr ⋅

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My dog got a money-shot slober on him at the dog park

6yr ⋅

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[Image] I am 6'5 and 250lbs. I decided I wanted to be on American Ninja Warrior. So I got on it. I was the biggest competitor ever. You can do anything you set your mind to, no matter how big, or how small.

10yr ⋅

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My best friend died last night. Well he didn't really die, but I saw him for the first time in 4 years and he acted like he didn't know me. So R.I.P. Andrew, I'm glad we were friends once.

9yr ⋅

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Former 300lb offensive lineman down 66lbs! I can see my abs!

9yr ⋅

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Found him like this. Damn Freshmen.

11yr ⋅

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Mornings are rough. This is where I am going to die

10yr ⋅

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Well then square up nigga

9yr ⋅

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These finally came in the mail today!

9yr ⋅

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His philosophical views and poems are too deep for Instagram to understand

7yr ⋅

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Butts, booze, beer pong. Fuck North Korea.

10yr ⋅

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I'm the guy whose best man was throwing up in the bed the day of my wedding. He, and the rest of my groomsmen, made up for it with this surprise.

7yr ⋅

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We always find a way to go to any party as an American. Kiss me I'm Merican.

10yr ⋅

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Its raining and my mother in law is paying for beer. You know what time it is at the Pro Bowl.

6yr ⋅

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My dad and his friends graduating from law school 40 years ago

9yr ⋅

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7 guys in the mountains for a week. We had to go get more.

10yr ⋅

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July 4th after hours at the bar. Heard a bartender say she doesn't like pants and I yelled Me neither! Its my God-given right as an American not to wear pants! And ran around the bar with my pants off. Security cam picture.

11yr ⋅

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Did some drinking. Decided to leave my truck at the bar. Bam. Flash flood.

7yr ⋅

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My girlfriend and I showed our German neighbor how to properly funnel a beer in the name of liberty

8yr ⋅

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Got a keg this weekend for my birthday, and momma ain't raise no quitter

8yr ⋅

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Just found this subreddit! So here's me June of 2011-July of last year and I've kept it that way. 71lbs lost. 280 > 209

11yr ⋅

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Why are these metal circles in bathrooms?

7yr ⋅

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My friend from Nepal came to Mardi Gras on Bourbon Street. He went to a strip club for the first time ever and spent so much money they gave him a free shirt.

11yr ⋅

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Played wizard staff. After 9 feet of beer I decided to dance.

11yr ⋅

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I am having a great time

9yr ⋅

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Easter in Louisiana is fun

7yr ⋅

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Letting everyone know that I love America

9yr ⋅

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I broke the record for most mimosas drank in 2 hours with 40. Every tally mark is one.

9yr ⋅

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We met the Impractical Joksters on Bourbon St

9yr ⋅

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America. Pi Kappa Phi.

10yr ⋅

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As a bigger guy, I needed a puppy I wouldn't break. Meet Tidus, my navigator!

11yr ⋅

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I emailed my senator, Bill Cassidy (R-LA), about my opposition to the Patriot Act and spying on American citizens. His response was not why I voted him into office.

9yr ⋅

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February in Louisiana. Every day is Independence Day.

11yr ⋅

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Old but good. LA Tech and U of Houston Pi Kapps tailgating together. Brotherhood at its finest.

10yr ⋅

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I have a box of 500 condoms. My friend fell asleep way early.

10yr ⋅

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Americans are so free we can hold 138 times more food than any other civilization.

9yr ⋅

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Graduated West Point and ran with the bulls in the name of freedom

10yr ⋅

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So my mom isn't dying. She doesn't have a disease. She's just a really good mom who has given the last 25 years of her life to her 4 children. This is her before, having fun and drinking like the rest of us. So I would like to get this picture restored as a small thank you for being a fantastic mom.

10yr ⋅

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Fantastic brotherhood shooting day

11yr ⋅

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Can't pull it together at Olive Garden

9yr ⋅

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Currently shitfaced, crammed into the back of a truck, and on my way to New Orleans. Here's to all of yall!

9yr ⋅

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Me at The Warrior Dash, a 5k consisting of fire, barbed wire, and obstacles

11yr ⋅

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My girlfriend got me a yeti cooler filled with beef jerky, Vienna sausages, crab dip, condoms, and a 12 pack for my birthday. Quite an american gift if I do say so.

11yr ⋅

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