Oh I'm sorry, I can't divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account.2wk ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Uh, good evening, um, young man. My name is Charles Norwood. Furthermore, to this beer, I would also like three of your finest, cheapest cigars. Here's my I.D.which confirms my adultivity.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Sorry, the law requires a five day waiting period. We’ve got to run a background check.” “Five days? But I’m mad now.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic. Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting. Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?11mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride I say take it!10mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
How to know if you are under the influence of illegal substances: You genuinely enjoy Night Ranger2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/americandad
Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.1yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
So I said I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini!3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Simpson, the American people have never tolerated incompetence in their public officials.3wk ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
I'm a level 5 vegan. I don't eat anything that casts a shadow.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Thank the Lor-- Thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer! A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion!2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Okay, let's go over the ground rules: You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the 4th inning is the beer inning.3mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
I will now show a short sex education film. Ezekiel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parents' wishes, you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls.7mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Okay, you all remember the plan-we walk up wearing our Bill Cosby masks. Peter, that's President Obama. Aw, did I just do a racism?3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/familyguy
You look familiar. I was your gardener for 12 years. You look different without my lawn under you. I don't take the lawn with me when I go. Well, I was right to trust you with it, then.3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/familyguy
I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.1yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/seinfeld
There are only forty-nine stars on that flag. I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!10mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Sir, why don't you just have the cheeseburger? Oh, that's really more of a weekend thing, Ray.2wk ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
🎶 Mein bratwurst has a first name, it's F-R-I-T-Z, mein bratwurst has a second name, it's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N. 🎶7mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
This elevator only goes to the basement, and somebody made an awful mess down there.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Ned, have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Authorities say the phony pope can be recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth.1yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
I just drop by with present for warming of house, instead find you grappling with local oaf.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21. Won't that warp him? My cousin Frank did it. You don't have a cousin Frank. He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Now, this technology is new to me, but I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven rotating slowly. His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees. He's literally stewing in his own juices!4mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
And look at this, the only books we have are ones that were banned by other schools!4mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Well, someone had to drive the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on...her..sweet...can... I grab..her...sweet...can... Oh, just thinking about...her..can... Her...sweet...s.s.sss...weet can...2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage. When pigs fly!2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Father! Uncle Apu! A teacher was in the closet with the principal and he had as many arms as Vishnu and they were all very busy.3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
If you do not remedy this malparkage within 72 hours, your car will be thrown into the East River at your expense.8mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Is it true you once worked 96 hours straight? Oh yes, it was horrible I tell you, by the end I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
I'd like to play me latest chart topper... it's called Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Hey look, is that dad? Either that or Batman's really let himself go.1mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
No need to panic. There's a map to the hospital on the back of the menu.1yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
As we say in Ireland: Let us drink until the alcohol in our systems destroys our livers and kills us.3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/familyguy
Secondly, the prison book club consists mainly of prisoners who club me with books. These are from the new Tom Clancy. Although it's less painful than reading him. Am I right, folks?1mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
For there will be no fire truck for little Bart, no sweater for little Lisa, no Cajun sausage for little Homer.4mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day and do it really half assed. That's the American way!2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
And more thing, I never once washed my hands, that's your policy, not mine!7mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land, open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.1yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for Jefferson Airplane, which cleared the way for Jefferson Starship. The stage was now set for the Alan Parsons Project, which I believe was some sort of hovercraft.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Alright Nick, don't panic. Think back to med school......Seriously baby, I can prescribe anything I want.3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Heck, it's not my job to talk people out of killing themselves.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Wow, I'll never drink another beer again, Beer here, I'll take ten.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Now I must tell you, kids, Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back so he won’t be saying anything, or doing anything.3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Oh, you poor, unfortunate man. Let's get you out of those clothes immediately. And we'll do whatever we can about the smell.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
You gotta give me back my floor! My customers are walking around on the pipes!3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
I for one would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance, so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
It’s impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you’ll check me medical records, you’ll see I have a cripplin’ arthritis in me index fingerrrs. Look at ‘em! I got it from Space Invaders in 1977.1mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Well, how was the concert? Well, sir, I've never heard a preacher use the MF word so many times.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Kids are so naive. Lisa, when you get to be our age, you'll learn a few things. Like when a sign says 'Do not feed the bears', man, you'd better not feed the bears.1yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Hello, Sir! Yes, you look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife!2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Hey Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left!2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Don’t worry Marge. America’s healthcare system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Alright, this place must be hot. They don't need a big ad, or even correct spelling.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Your alcohol and inexpensive buffets have corrupted us. I don't even like macaroni salad, but look at me!2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
If elected mayor my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya and burn your town to cinders!2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
You girls were all great. Cats back for everyone. I had a dog. Is cat now!2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
You know Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know, way richer than Lenny.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could just shop at the gas station like normal people.1yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Me and Frostillicus go back a long way, I used to share a bathroom with Frostillicus. In fact, I got a real funny story about that.7mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Freddie quimby was with me..the entire night in question, we were collecting canned goods for er, you know...one of them loser countries.3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Oh, Simpson, you're like the son I never had. And you're like the father I never visit.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Dad, we did something very bad! Did you wreck the car? No. Did you raise the dead? Yes. But the car's okay? Uh-huh. All right then.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
We've got to spread this stuff around. Let's put it on the internet. No, we have to reach people whose opinions actually matter.2mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Hey kids, we're eating dinner tonight! C'mon Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dylan, Dermott, Jordan, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumor, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Kaitlin, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kira, Ian, Lauren, Q-bert, Phil.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Do you find something comical about my appearance when I'm driving my automobile?2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Sounds like Springfield’s got a discipline problem. Maybe that’s why we beat them at football nearly half the time!1yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
What are the best debut albums? One of my favorites, Heart - Dreamboat Annie2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/ClassicRock
What is this place? Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas if it were run by Ned Flanders.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Was that toilet always next to the refrigerator? Ned, you ever try lugging a toilet up a flight of stairs?2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
If it's clear and yella, you got juice there fella! If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town!2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Hey, listen, honey, you remember, uh, last Halloween when you guys pulled that hilarious stunt on me making me think that Gary was dead and that I was responsible for it? Yeah. Well... gotcha!4mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/Cheers
Oh jeez, this looks baaad....better turn on the ol’ Wiggum charm.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy. Yeah, they’ll do that.3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend. You bitter? Yep. Bit him too.1yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
So the children learned to function as a society, and then, they were rescued by, oh... lets say Moe.3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Most people don’t know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do. Here’s a little trick to help you remember. If it’s clear and yella, you’ve got juice there, fella. If it’s if it’s tangy and brown, you’re in cider town.3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Joe, I'd like to be alone with The Ukraine for a moment.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/simpsonsshitposting
Well, Mr. Cat Burglar, you'd like to get in here, wouldn't you? There's just one little problem, 36 years ago, some lady gave birth to a man named Homer J. Simp... Oh my god, underage kids drinking beer without a permit!1yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Oh, the Mr. Sulu show, Sulu he star of the show, other guys just along for the ride...2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/familyguy
There stands a broken man. It's recess everywhere but in his heart.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
I play right field too. So, are you better than me? Well, I've never met you, but... yes.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Listen, Aldrin. I'm not as laid-back as people think. Now here's the deal, I'm gonna play, and you're gonna float there and like it.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
My grandpa Zev would turn over in his grave if it wasn't filled with some veteran.1mo ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Sir, why did you wait until the last minute to do your taxes? Taxes? Isn't this the line for Metallica?1yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Why do you need new bands? Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walking, not for fancy walking.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
One. One...ONE!! Bah!! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction!2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Hey, my dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac!2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Well, after the Berlin Wall fell, our records started selling on the dismal side of the Iron Curtain, and naturally that gave us a boost.1yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Well, the evening began at the Gentlemen’s Club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Hey, look. There's a big crowd to welcome us back, even though we lost. Hey, I'll give you something to cry about, you loser. You can't catch a football? Let's see if you can catch a rock.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
Your husband's work is what we call outsider art. It could be by a mental patient, or a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
So if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves, please call now!1yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
And you call them steamed hams despite the fact it's obviously a succulent Chinese meal.2yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/simpsonsshitposting
Eine minuten, eine minuten. Ach! Das wagenfone ist ein nuisancefone!3yr ⋅ donottouchwillie1 ⋅ r/TheSimpsons
