Don't leave home without your hand

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Just like that I'm not welcome on Joe Rogan any more

3yr ⋅

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Keep your hands to yourself

5yr ⋅

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But which three?

3yr ⋅

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Let's talk about texts, baby

4yr ⋅

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Me and the Boys living a lie

4yr ⋅

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I'm getting mixed signals here

4yr ⋅

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We need a medic over here!

5yr ⋅

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Gatekeep your own gate

3yr ⋅

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Mark Twain gets it

3yr ⋅

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Suicide by Science

5yr ⋅

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Look, Ma, I'm a corporation!

3yr ⋅

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I am speed

3yr ⋅

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If you can't beat 'em, wait till they die out

5yr ⋅

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You never forget your first time

5yr ⋅

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And that, kids, is How I Lost Your Mother

2yr ⋅

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Up is down, in is out and little lambs eat ivy!

4yr ⋅

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The audience is listening

5yr ⋅

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I stole this off the back of that pickup truck on the front page

2yr ⋅

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The diapers and vomit were the easy part

3yr ⋅

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You're gonna feel right at home

4yr ⋅

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A Leslie Knope party don't stop

4yr ⋅

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Your eyes may be up here, but you don't have juicy written on them

2yr ⋅

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Half of America right now

4yr ⋅

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Some people work for free and are still overpaid

2yr ⋅

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You pay 'em less, too

4yr ⋅

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Welp, pack it in bois...I'm stumped

1yr ⋅

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How 'bout you give me yours, then

2yr ⋅

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* Hank Hill has entered the chat

2yr ⋅

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I think it's locked

2yr ⋅

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Let's see how this plays out

2yr ⋅

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Stand still, comrade!

2yr ⋅

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Games today are so realistic

2yr ⋅

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Take that, loneliness

3yr ⋅

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This was a comment somewhere, and I think I'm going to be carrying it around a while

3yr ⋅

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And can I pay for my insulin with exposure?

2yr ⋅

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Dank is dank

2yr ⋅

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A little tiny dinosaur

4yr ⋅

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That's just the sound of history repeating

6yr ⋅

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Everybody gets muddy, but the pig loves it

4yr ⋅

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Take that, history

3yr ⋅

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Asymptomatic meets asymptotic

2yr ⋅

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Maybe they DO know

4yr ⋅

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If you're bad enough we'll put you in charge!

3yr ⋅

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I've learned that no, but your ass does is NOT the right answer

2yr ⋅

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On a continent not so far away

6yr ⋅

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I felt needed

3yr ⋅

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Sexy people don't have to be good at sex

2yr ⋅

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That's the ticket!

5yr ⋅

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Choosing them battles again

4yr ⋅

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Rich people still need Big Macs

4yr ⋅

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Carefully, he's a hero

4yr ⋅

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Y'all got any more of that nose sugar?

5yr ⋅

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I don't have enough information

4yr ⋅

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You should have seen it

2yr ⋅

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We need to talk 3000

4yr ⋅

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Let's just say I'll prolly never be president

4yr ⋅

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Figures you'd say that

4yr ⋅

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I feel robbed

5yr ⋅

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Tea drinking intensifies

5yr ⋅

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If I just offered you 12 bucks to go fight a couple hoodrats would you do it?

2yr ⋅

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Rules? We just make 'em up as we go along

2yr ⋅

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* ACME wants your location

4yr ⋅

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That sounds like one amaizing dream

4yr ⋅

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I'm in this picture

5yr ⋅

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Real Genius made it look so easy

5yr ⋅

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Maybe now you'll dress better

5yr ⋅

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Now look who's tardy

4yr ⋅

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Point your Hail Mary someplace else

3yr ⋅

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This is America!

2yr ⋅

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Finally a status symbol you can respect

5yr ⋅

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America

7yr ⋅

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I hate coming through this neighborhood -- Zaphod, probably

2yr ⋅

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By this point, I'm starting to think it's some sort of hobby with them

2yr ⋅

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You underestimate my <bonk>

2yr ⋅

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It would be pretty quiet at my job if people followed rules

4yr ⋅

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Lunch ladies have all the fun

1yr ⋅

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The universal language of anger

4yr ⋅

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Take us to your peter

2yr ⋅

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American Pumpkin Pie

4yr ⋅

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Godfather's Pizza

5yr ⋅

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I've been everywhen, man

5yr ⋅

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Good Guy Fox is good guy

2yr ⋅

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I hear a lot of assurances...again

2yr ⋅

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Who knew?

5yr ⋅

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For duck's sake

3yr ⋅

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My one-woman support system

2yr ⋅

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But what way was it facing?

5yr ⋅

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Great, now I'm hungry

5yr ⋅

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The truth doesn't NEED to be true!

5yr ⋅

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I can't afford to be virtuous

2yr ⋅

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* Updog Joe wants your ligma

4yr ⋅

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That's like 12 followers on Reddit!

5yr ⋅

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Nobody likes a snitch

4yr ⋅

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You're making me uncomfortable

2yr ⋅

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What do you mean one-sided

1yr ⋅

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Get Musk on the phone, I've got a business plan

2yr ⋅

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Hold my spliff

2yr ⋅

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How international incidents get started

5yr ⋅

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Chinese Democracy has a whole nother meaning

4yr ⋅

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When you make too little to qualify for Affordable Housing

3yr ⋅

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You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention

2yr ⋅

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That's 7/10 to you other wackos

2yr ⋅

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Imitation is the sincerest form of IP theft

2yr ⋅

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I hate me, but I hate you more. Why don't you love me!?

4yr ⋅

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Teachers are a national treasure

4yr ⋅

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Talk Radio's the same way

5yr ⋅

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One time, at vax camp...we all died

5yr ⋅

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Well that's just, like, my opinion, man

2yr ⋅

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Fast as fast can be

2yr ⋅

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I can feel it working already

2yr ⋅

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Whadya think about THAT!

5yr ⋅

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Link's in the comments

3yr ⋅

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China's been watching too much America

4yr ⋅

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The 80s were a blast. Sorry.

2yr ⋅

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3...2...1...

5yr ⋅

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Trust

7yr ⋅

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* screams in pride

5yr ⋅

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That's just fancy talk

5yr ⋅

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I use this more and more every day

2yr ⋅

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It's the little things

5yr ⋅

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There are plenty of people willing to choose your battles for you

4yr ⋅

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Don't ask, don't tell

4yr ⋅

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Now we just call it Beer For Breakfast

4yr ⋅

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I mean, it's obvious you're not using it for anything other than conspiracy theories

2yr ⋅

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*Tiananmen square intensifies*

4yr ⋅

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My VA guy's a special kind of special

4yr ⋅

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Not very long ago in a country not so far away

5yr ⋅

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It just feels like it...most of the time

4yr ⋅

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One question you might already want to know the answer to before you ask over the Jumbotron

2yr ⋅

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This is why you can't math

2yr ⋅

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Unleash the kangaroos

2yr ⋅

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Perception changes over time

2yr ⋅

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U wot, m8?

2yr ⋅

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Sometimes there's no better word

5yr ⋅

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About got took out

4yr ⋅

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Well that took a sexy turn

2yr ⋅

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Why won't my car start? What was that noise!?

4yr ⋅

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At least your grandparents might be spared

4yr ⋅

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Let's all chip in and pay for this class

4yr ⋅

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Now who's off their meds and possibly dangerous, huh?

2yr ⋅

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My son is a good boi!

2yr ⋅

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We should start a support group!

5yr ⋅

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No telling what sort of bombshell she's sitting on

2yr ⋅

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Britain: Hold my tea

2yr ⋅

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We're going to need your dad card, sir

5yr ⋅

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I've been training for this my whole life

1yr ⋅

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Why hassle me? I work when I'm scheduled

5yr ⋅

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Come for the loyalty, stay for the interior design

5yr ⋅

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