We'll fix all this together

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Amazon always *looked* like a fun job

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I'm busy shutting up and dribbling

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Only the truly skilled can go through life on Hard

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Not all heroes wear capes

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But it was just a joke

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Just single dad things, idk

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Because at some point that cute little face will start talking

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Corporate America should start a GoFundMe

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Source: My protracted battle to get unemployment

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Look what they did to my boy

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She'll call you if she wants to

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You weren't looking

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But you knowing that won't help much in a debate

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There must be something I'm just not getting

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You do the cute, I'll do the weird

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This happens to me *all the time*!

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You really want to hear about my sphincterotomy?

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No worries, I had to learn this, too

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I can't trust you now

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The ol' reddit switcheroo

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Because I need you here

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Your trash looks pretty rich

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I was always the favorite

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Your recognition is appreciated

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Everyone liked that

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Just between you and me, tho

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This is a special kind of awkward

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Corporate just isn't happy unless they're fixing what ain't broke

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If you knew what you were talking about, you'd be a consultant

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Specialization comes in handy

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Solid advice from u/Kelmo7

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Me right? That's me!

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Can't finish last (taps head) if you don't finish at all

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Getting old is kids, fun!

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Saw the first argument on the bus yesterday

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Coincidence? Probably.

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I only adjusted it a little

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Feeling old yet?

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Covid isn't over until the economy SAYS it's over

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I've been telling you that for years

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They'll just tell you anyway

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Do you even trailblaze, bro?

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They don't open for nine more hours. Go back to sleep

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There was a picket line outside the Alice Cooper show

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I can't be late again or I'll get wrote up

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After I spent 42k on popcorn?

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60,000,000 seems like a really big number

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Welp, we're back to Stage 5, here...

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Because...'romantic' amirite?

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I slay me sometimes

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Just ROLLed out of bed

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Figured all that out yourself, huh?

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That's how they gitcha

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Self care...be aware

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They're still trying to charge me for internet I cancelled two months ago

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But maybe a touch of hypochondria

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Let's just leave that closed sign up for a while

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It's a Saturday miracle! Every week!

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Some things are more important than a bad haircut

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Sick Time = Poor people vacation days

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Suddenly I feel better

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Who could have seen that coming?

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Get me-- I'm helping!

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You're entertained, but I'M informed

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Making plans for the future

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It's only scary until it's not

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The humans are acting up again

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Something something glass houses

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Relationship goals 9000

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That could be an awkward conversation

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Translating is hard

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I never win at anything

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Shucks, ma'am, twern't nuthin'

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Being the best

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Unfortunately they're pretty much everywhere

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Just one more quick stop. Then another...

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Or they just really think you're crazy

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Unless you just like fast food and sloth

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Guess who's coming to dinner!

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Lack creativity? Go for ambiguity!

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I'll just get a gf from Canada, like my friend

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We'll just do a time-travel thing about it

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It's important to keep informed in these trying times

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When your perfect life is an unraveling delusion

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That's a relief

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We should start a support group

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Forward progress is in retrograde

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Who's going to leave snacks in the breakroom if you're all at home? Think!

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You still gotta know what to copy and where to paste

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Why not both?

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Tis the season

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tryna gerrymander my boundaries, eh?

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I'm standing here as fast as I can

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It's not about virtue, it's about the *perception* of virtue

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You proooooomiiiiiisssseeeddddd

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*sigh*...unzips

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Moms are natural born doctors

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And I still don't have a jerb

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One bad apple ensickens the whole bunch

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I guess I'll just starve and die...

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I'm learning from the experts

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McDonald's food isn't even that good

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It's like opening a pack of gum

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It's the little things...

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Except maybe teenagers.

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He's lovin' it

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Your posts are the canary in my coal mine

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Except this one. It's totally legit

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As long as it's less than 1/4 over the knee

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Maybe this time it'll be different

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Now do you want the BAD news?

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No need to bother the city. I'll fix this one

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This just in: redditor becomes immortal by accident

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So they ended up charging me for 3 more months and had to cut a check to pay it back

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Shower thots

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But stay outta mine!

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Sometimes you just wanna talk about eggplants

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If those kids could read...

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Thanks u/awombwithaview for the perspective

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This can help avoid countless embarrassments

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Oh yeah? Watch me, lady!

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They just always seem to have the most to give

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I am NOT going back to work at Taco Bell

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Some places don't adhere to the Peter Principle

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(1989) Boomers invent credit scores just before retiring and watching the world burn from their paid-off homes

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You may have saved a life, kind stranger

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Where do I sign?

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Some things you don't rush

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Memes. The memes were everywhere!

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Whatev. We still have it better

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The harder you work, the quicker you learn why some people barely lift a finger

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A disgruntled one

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Send digit pics

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When you're even hilarious in your nightmares

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In tonight's news: How'd this little dog get caught up in a tree!?

5yr ⋅

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When your ex just wants to talk

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I'm the crazy-face champion of the world

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I've seen bums begging on the street that make more than $10 an hour

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I'll play your silly little game

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But grab a free cup of coffee on the way out

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*Manager has left the chat*

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Full Disclosure: I'm not the president of anything

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At least you'll be able to get the full set

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Moms are the best

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That myth was started by LAPD in 1955 as a cute motto for their police academy

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Oh Lawd, she comin'

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